Gore Sounds New Alarm About Global Spinning (Satire)

by Scott Ott for ScrappleFace
Dec. 17, 2009

(2009-12-11) — As experts in Copenhagen prepare for an historic vote to set the global average temperature once and for all, former Vice President Al Gore today warned of a new threat that contributes to global warming.

“I have recently learned that planet Earth is spinning at an incredible rate,” said Mr. Gore, “and this high velocity rotation causes man-made vehicles to burn more fossil fuels in order to overcome the resistance of centripetal force.”

Indeed, scientists at the University of East Anglia’s Spinning Data Unit (SDU) confirmed that the Earth, at the equator, spins at roughly 1,000 miles per hour.

However, an SDU researcher noted that 150 years of raw data tracking Earth’s rotation had been dumped several years ago to make room for a new espresso machine, “so, you’ll just have to trust us.”

Mr. Gore said reducing the rotational velocity of the planet by just .05 percent per year would cut carbon emissions by “trillions of tons, and would relieve the United Nations of having to set population limits with enforcement protocols as a mechanism for carbon reduction, which at this point, is the ultimate solution.”