Writes a friend:
I had my first experience with the body scanners last week; it was not a pleasant one. Leaving Columbus, OH, headed to LaGuardia. There was a metal detector line and a “back scatter” line. The metal detector line was quite a bit longer, but I made sure I came to the airport early enough, such to wait as long as I had to.
(I will be Freedom Lover or “FL”)
Gestapo member #1: “Sir, this line over here is wide open, you are welcome to walk through this one.”
FL: “No sir, I do not wish to travel through that line.”
Gestapo Member #1: (In an intensified voice) “You are declining the search?”
FL: “Yes, sir, I am.”
At this point he spoke into his shoulder mounted radio and said, “Male full body search!”
He then turned to me and said rather sternly, like a father who wasn’t messing around, “Wait here.”
So I waited, for about three minutes. In the mean time, they had found “something” in the x-ray process of my carry-on. Gestapo Lady shouted, “Whose bag is this?!”
At this point I leaned over the divider and told her it was mine, and that I was awaiting a pat-down.
At this point Gestapo Member #2 approached me. Something about him told me he was not the president of the chess club in school.
Gestapo Member #2: “You know this would go a lot quicker if you would only stand in the machine and be done with it.”
FL: “I will not do that, sir. I still possess my dignity. No one will be seeing anything through my clothes.”
Gestapo Member #2: “Well, now I have to touch you all over your body, will you still have dignity then?”
FL: “Do what you have to, but I will never walk through that machine.”
At this point he roughly patted me down. Of course I had no belt, so when he pulled on my shorts, they almost fell off.
To remain lighthearted about it, it felt like prom night!
After he realized I wasn’t hiding any weapons of death, or so much as a sharpened pencil, I was made to sit down and await the full-on search of my carry-on bag.
What was the BIG FIND?!
I had neglected to remove a 3oz container of face lotion. Yes, a desire for a moisturized face does not make a TSA agent happy.
Gestapo Lady: “Sir, are you aware that you have a bottle of face lotion in your bag?”
FL: “No, actually I forgot that was in there. I guess you have to throw it out, but interesting that you knew it was face lotion, and not something else.”
She had no response.
Ultimately, after about 10 minutes total from declining of search to end of bag search, I was given all my stuff and told to move on.
I am a pretty easy going guy, but while some donut-loving troglodyte felt me up, something broke free. I will encourage as many people who will listen to question why it is they allow themselves to be steered like a herd a cattle. Personally, I will be looking into my rights and pushing the envelope the next time I travel.
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