TSA Puts on the Dog

by Becky Akers
Jul. 01, 2013

In the tradition of its mentor, the Thieves and Sexual Assailants (TSA) will sic dogs on passengers at Denver International. "TSA confirms it is using canines to prescreen passengers and if they pass they may be able to go through an expedited security line," says CBS-4 in a convoluted and poorly written report. (But do check out the heartening comments from readers!) Good luck understanding the story if you have a life and do not study the TSA. Alas, Your Intrepid Reporter dogs, ahem, this barbaric agency through its sewers, which enabled her to decipher CBS's cheery PR masquerading as news.

TSA is enamored of "bomb-sniffing dogs" despite their many false alerts. Or perhaps because of them: as cops learned long ago, dogs pick up cues from their handlers more than they do "evidence" from the victim they're sniffing. (No matter: "TSA's website says its canine teams "Ś are 'extremely accurate.'" Bam! Take that, Truth!) This handy little trait helps immensely when you want to terrify a serf: "Sir, step out of the car, get your hands up. Up. OK, Rambler, easy there, boy, whoa! Watcha got in there, sir? I ain't never seen him this excited!"

And so TSA has copped a page, so to speak. It is unleashing (again, so to speak) "K-9" (don't you wish witless Leviathan would leave the puns to the pros?) teams at airports to intimidate-sorry, search passengers. Yes, without any warrants. These dogs have already attacked one woman, leaving her with a wounded and "bloody" abdomen. Yet the TSA with full cooperation from the local Stasi blithely lunges forward with its pups.

And with approval from the sheeple, too: "'If it makes it safer, I'm okay with it,' one traveler said." Hey, the camps made Germany safer, too, or so politicians claimed. And according to another "traveler" (hmmm. Also anonymous. Yo, CBS, hard to find good amerikans still spewing this sort of reactionary tripe? Had to invent a few quotes, did you?), "'I'd be willing to do something like that if it made me get through faster.'" Well, what the heck. You're willing to endure sexual assault to fly in the first place. (Thanks to Travis Holte for the illustration.)

Update. Michael Erway notes that the TSA's new "partners" offer one huge benefit: "At least the median I.Q. level will increase within the TSA workforce with the introduction of the canines." By leagues, Mike. Maybe even galaxies.