Breaking Down Obama's Idiotic Back to School Speech

Chris | InformationLiberation
Sep. 14, 2010

Below is the full text of the Dear Leader's speech to our school children. Interspersed in bold is my commentary on the ridiculous propaganda and nonsense which Obama spewed. Of particular hilarity is the way in which he threw the equivalent of doggy treats at all the parents and school teachers for getting a "blue ribbon" award. Every line of the speech was so idiotic and so thoroughly backwards I actually managed to comment on practically every statement! A blue star goes to anyone who can get through the whole text!
Hello Philadelphia! It’s wonderful to be here. Today is about welcoming all of you and all of America’s students back to school – and I can’t think of a better place to do it than Masterman. You’re one of the best schools in Philadelphia – a leader in helping students succeed in the classroom. And just last week, you were recognized as a National Blue Ribbon School for your record of achievement. [Translation: Doggy treats for everyone!!!] That’s a testament to everyone here – students and parents, teachers and school leaders. And it’s an example of excellence I hope communities across America embrace.

Over the past few weeks, Michelle and I have been getting Sasha and Malia ready for school. And I bet a lot of you are feeling the same way they’re feeling. You’re a little sad to see the summer go, but you’re also excited about the possibilities of a new year. [You mean they don't want to go back to jail?! Blasphemy!] The possibilities of building new friendships and strengthening old ones. Of joining a school club, or trying out for a team. The possibilities of growing into a better student, and a better person, and making your family proud. [External motivation!]

But I know some of you may also be nervous about starting a new school year. Maybe you’re making the jump from elementary to middle school, or from middle to high school, and worried about what that’ll be like. [Don't worry, Daddy government is here to protect you] Maybe you’re starting a new school, and not sure how you’ll like it. Or maybe you’re a senior who’s feeling anxious about the whole college process; about where to apply and whether you can afford to go. [Thanks to our subsidies which have driven college tuition through the roof!]

And beyond all these concerns, I know a lot of you are also feeling the strain of these difficult times. You know what’s going on in the news and your own family’s lives. You read about the war in Afghanistan. You hear about the recession we’ve been through. You see it in your parents’ faces and sense it in their voice. [Purposely vague for you to fill in the blanks]

A lot of you are having to act a lot older than you are; to be strong for your family while your brother or sister is serving overseas; to look after younger siblings while your mom works that second shift; to take on a part-time job while your dad is out of work. [Again I could change all that and I campaigned on ending the wars, instead I've expanded them, raised your taxes, AND put you under mountains of debt!]

It’s a lot to handle; it’s more than you should have to handle. [And it's my own doing!] And it may make you wonder at times what your own future will look like; whether you’ll be able to succeed in school; whether you should set your sights a little lower, and scale back your dreams. [Cue pop psychology blather]

But here is what I came to Masterman to tell you: nobody gets to write your destiny but you. Your future is in your hands. Your life is what you make of it. And nothing – absolutely nothing – is beyond your reach. [Unless you include the government policies which are bankrupting you and putting you in millions of debt which is entirely beyond your control, unless you include government taxes which you're forced to pay at the barrel of a gun, unless you include government regulations which you're forced to obey at the barrel of a gun, unless you include working for any less than $7.25 an hour which you're forced to do at the barrel of a gun] So long as you’re willing to dream big. So long as you’re willing to work hard. So long as you’re willing to stay focused on your education. [Just ignore the gun in the room!]

That last part is absolutely essential – because an education has never been more important. [Actually it's never been less important] I’m sure there will be times in the months ahead when you’re staying up late cramming for a test, or dragging yourselves out of bed on a rainy morning, and wondering if it’s all worth it. [It's not but we need to test your level of obedience to authority] Let me tell you, there is no question about it. [It's not] Nothing will have as great an impact on your success in life as your education. [The same way a baseball bat to the skull can "impact" someones brain]

More and more, the kinds of opportunities that are open to you will be determined by how far you go in school. [Go to school and you'll have none] In other words, the farther you go in school, the farther you’ll go in life. [Farther down a ditch] And at a time when other countries are competing with us like never before; when students around the world are working harder than ever, and doing better than ever; your success in school will also help determine America’s success in the 21st century. [But our tax policy and spending will have no effect, so just ignore that!]

So, you have an obligation to yourselves, and America has an obligation to you to make sure you’re getting the best education possible. [No better way to take away someone's desire to learn than to force them and turn it into an obligation] And making sure you get that kind of education is going to take all of us working hand-in-hand. [Actually no one else can teach you anything, all learning is done internally]

It will take all of us in government – from Harrisburg to Washington – doing our part to prepare our students, all of them, for success in the classroom, in college, and in a career. [Run children!! Run away and never look back!!] It will take an outstanding principal and outstanding teachers like the ones here at Masterman; teachers who go above and beyond for their students. [Just like the outstanding government workers at the DMV!] And it will take parents who are committed to your education. [That is, committed to taking no role in your education and allowing the state to brainwash you!]

That’s what we have to do for you. That’s our responsibility. That’s our job. [Constitution Schmonstitution!] But here’s your job. Showing up to school on time. Paying attention in class. Doing your homework. Studying for exams. Staying out of trouble. That kind of discipline and drive – that kind of hard work – is absolutely essential for success. [More turning learning into a chore, great job Chief!]

I know – because I didn’t always have it. I wasn’t always the best student when I was younger; I made my share of mistakes. [Yeah like when I did cocaine and smoked weed, but don't worry, I'll still throw you in a cage if you're caught doing it!] In fact, I can still remember a conversation I had with my mother in high school, when I was about the age of some of you here today. It was about how my grades were slipping, how I hadn’t even started my college applications, how I was acting, as she put it, “casual” about my future. It’s a conversation I suspect will sound familiar to some of the students and parents here today.

And my attitude was what I imagine every teenager’s attitude is in a conversation like that. I was like, I don’t need to hear all this. So, I started to say that, and she just cut me right off. [Isn't it great when parents ignore their children?!] You can’t just sit around, she said, waiting for luck to see you through. She said I could get into any school in the country if I just put in a little effort. Then she gave me a hard look and added, “Remember what that’s like? Effort?” [So she insulted me sarcastically and again felt using force was optimal parenting]

It was pretty jolting, hearing my mother say that. [It was authoritarian] But eventually, her words had their intended effect. [I submitted, just as you should] I got serious about my studies. [I obeyed] I made an effort. And I began to see my grades – and my prospects – improve. [Maybe one day I can be an authoritarian too!] And I know that if hard work could make the difference for me, it can make the difference for you, too. [Maybe one day you could be dictator too! Dream big!]

I know some of you may be skeptical about that. You may wonder if some people are just better at certain things. And it’s true that we each have our own gifts and talents we need to discover and nurture. [Cue pop psychology] But just because you’re not the best at something today doesn’t mean you can’t be tomorrow. Even if you don’t think of yourself as a math person or as a science person – you can still excel in those subjects if you’re willing to make the effort. And you may find out you have talents you’d never dreamed of.

You see, excelling in school or in life isn’t mainly about being smarter than everybody else. It’s about working harder than everybody else. [And you're going to have to work REAL hard to pay off all the debt I've put you in!] Don’t avoid new challenges – seek them out, step out of your comfort zone, and don’t be afraid to ask for help; your teachers and family are there to guide you. Don’t feel discouraged or give up if you don’t succeed at something – try it again, and learn from your mistakes. [Unlike us, second stimulus anyone?] Don’t feel threatened if your friends are doing well; be proud of them, and see what lessons you can draw from what they’re doing right. [Unless they're the opposing political party who is becoming popular due to populist rhetoric about lower taxes and smaller government!]

That’s the kind of culture of excellence you promote here at Masterman; and that’s the kind of excellence we need to promote in all America’s schools. That’s why today, I’m announcing our second Commencement Challenge. [Doggy treats!!!] If your school is the winner; if you show us how teachers, students, and parents are working together to prepare your kids for college and a career; if you show us how you’re giving back to your community and our country – I’ll congratulate you in person by speaking at your commencement. [Of course, by that time I'll be out of a job and the most hated president in history!]

But the truth is, [because that was all a lie] an education is about more than getting into a good college or getting a good job when you graduate. [It's about arbitrary obedience to authority and conditioning you to be a pleb under an authoritarian dictatorship!] It’s about giving each and every one of us the chance to fulfill our promise; to be the best version of ourselves we can be. [More obligations!] And part of what that means is treating others the way we want to be treated – with kindness and respect. [Just think of the way I treat my constituents and do the opposite!]

Now, I know that doesn’t always happen. Especially not in middle or high school. [Or in government!] Being a teenager isn’t easy. It’s a time when we’re wrestling with a lot of things. When I was your age, I was wrestling with questions about who I was; about what it meant to be the son of a white mother and a black father, and not having that father in my life. [At which point my mom told me to shut up and get back to work!] Some of you may be working through your own questions right now, and coming to terms with what makes you different.

And I know that figuring all that out can be even more difficult when you’ve got bullies in class who try to use those differences to pick on you or poke fun at you; to make you feel bad about yourself. [Just like we bully the rest of the world!] In some places, the problem is more serious. There are neighborhoods in my hometown of Chicago, where kids have hurt one another. And the same thing has happened here in Philly. [And the same thing is happening by our hands in the Middle East!]

So, what I want to say to you today – what I want all of you to take away from my speech – is that life is precious, and part of its beauty lies in its diversity. [Unless it's Muslims] We shouldn’t be embarrassed by the things that make us different. [Unless it's Muslims] We should be proud of them. [Unless it's Muslims] Because it’s the things that make us different that make us who we are. [Unless it's Muslims] And the strength and character of this country have always come from our ability to recognize ourselves in one another, no matter who we are, or where we come from, what we look like, or what abilities or disabilities we have. [Unless it's Muslims]

I was reminded of that idea the other day when I read a letter from Tamerria Robinson, an 11-year old girl in Georgia. She told me about how hard she works, and about all the community service she does with her brother. And she wrote, “I try to achieve my dreams and help others do the same.” “That,” she wrote, “is how the world should work.” [Actually if everyone just engaged in charity there would be no actual goods for charitable organizations to give. People produce things for profit and that is what enriches society and allows for the division of labor and the huge amounts of wealth we have today]

I agree with Tamerria. That is how the world should work. [That's why I'm raising your taxes, piling on new regulations and pushing for "mandatory national service!"] Yes, we need to work hard. [We've spent more than we could steal and if we don't loot even more the government will collapse!] Yes, we need to take responsibility for our own education. Yes, we need to take responsibility for our own lives. [Yes, WE need to take responsibility for YOUR life and ban you from consuming salt] But what makes us who we are is that here, in this country, we not only reach for our own dreams, we help others do the same. This is a country that gives all its daughters and all its sons a fair chance. A chance to make the most of their lives. A chance to fulfill their God-given potential. [And a chance to steal from their neighbors through the government!]

And I’m absolutely confident that if all our students – here at Masterman, and across this country – keep doing their part; if you keep working hard, and focusing on your education; if you keep fighting for your dreams and if all of us help you reach them; then not only will you succeed this year, and for the rest of your lives, but America will succeed in the 21st century. [I'm also positive mandating 30 million new customers buy health insurance at the barrel of a gun will bring down costs!] Thank you, God bless you, and may God bless the United States of America. [F you, God damn you, and God damn America!]
Chris is an anarcho-capitalist and voluntarist who runs the website He enjoys long walks on the beach and laughing at the Regime. You can contact him here. You can read more of his commentary here.

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